God if you're taking me, that's o.k. just let me move my foot so I can kick Melodie ; Please stop hitting me. I know you mean well but please call Jerry. Hey Jack Ass, I am not crazy and you are really hurting me. Don't tell me how shitty this ambulance is , Oh I feel really badly that you have to drive around in such a crappy ambulance . Poor you, I'm going to die in here and you don't have your new ambulance . I'm so very sorry. Yes please take the way that has less bumps even though it's slightly longer, every bump you hit is killing me .Mom this is a very crappy way to say Hello. If I can't move how will I let Ester out. Oh ,Ester is with Mom. If I die who will tell my husband and my children to be o.k. ? Life is good and don't feel guilty if you move on and enjoy it. Don't forget me ,but don't squander that I taught you that life is too short, keep going until life sends you to the best place we could ever imagine. Damn it don't think that . I'm not going to die , see there's Jerry , he doesn't think I'm making this up. Shit why does every one keep hitting me! You aren't looking at me like I'm crazy and you are the one that knows that I am. Or am I , it has to be something. This can't really be happening. This isn't real. I feel nothing but everything really hurts.
These were my thoughts last Tuesday morning, some of them have become the reality of my last week. I still can't really move. I still feel like my brain is not part of this body. I still don't really know what's going on. But do any of us really ever know? Was I sent into this journey that may be called Lupus to teach me something. And what is it? Will I learn for myself that life is too short and not take it for granted . Did God send me on this path to see who I really am? Will I even really like me?
When you move like a slug and your brain is already three sentences ahead of what you just typed and the phone is ringing but it's in the other room and it would take you too long to get it and then whoever it was doesn't leave a message because they don't know that your new reality; for this moment; is moving like an ancient person who can't just run to answer but desperately is hoping you are the one who called. They don't know that ,and I even catch myself not knowing that and I trip and almost fall because as I said I am three sentences ahead of myself in typing and even in moving.
I'm not the one that people help, I'm the one who helps. I don't like when I know I'm the one people have to put thought into. Wow that's a sad realization. I like to think that I am the one who makes it all o.k. and if I research and find out enough information I can figure out exactly what to do and how to fix whatever is going on.
But this time I'm not sure today that I can. I have to believe this is happening for a reason. I have to believe God knows what he is doing. I have to give it all to him. Because this one I can't do alone. I can't do it without my Mom, I can't do it without my Ester. Why she keeps coming to me I'm not sure. She was such a comfort and a constant and now I feel lost.
Everything and everyone is sent to us for a reason and I hope to find out and share that with whoever will listen. So if you want to share in this ride with me I'd like to take you too. I haven't shared that thought pattern , from Tuesday morning, really with anyone until today. I think this will help me see the reason for all this if I do. So let me ,let you ;whoever you are in my life; help me by just reading. I'm not really looking for any response ,If you feel one share with me. Let me know because there is a reason and maybe we can learn it together.
If you took the time to read this I know you did because you care even if we don't know each other well or we may know each other so well we have children together but no matter who you are there is a reason we are together and I love you for that, Joanne
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